Posted by: chartroose | March 6, 2008

Trying (and failing) to be Like John Hegley

I’m a bit of an Anglophile, in fact, I’m a huge Anglophile.  This is mainly due to genealogy.  I’ve got Celtic blood running through my veins, and my heritage can be traced to various locations spanning from Aberdeen to Falmouth.  George Gordon is a very distant relative, and Benjamin Franklin (who is of English extraction, of course) is a not so distant relative.  I’d also like to believe that Orlando Bloom is somehow related to me – maybe a third or fourth cousin so we can become romatically involved.  Orlando, are you there?  Speak to me, darling…

Because of my interest in the British Isles, I often try to discover new authors and poets from Great Britain.  Today, while listening to a podcast from The Guardian, I ran into an interview with John Hegley. 

hegley.jpeg Here is his website:

Mr. Hegley is a “performance poet,” and it’s really fun to hear him do his thing.  He has written quite a few books and performs gigs all over Great Britain.  After listening to him and reading a couple of his poems, I decided that I could do what he does.  His poetry appears to be quite simple–witty and breezy.  Here is one of his poems:

Smothering Sunday

To a wonderful mother
with wrinkly skin,
this card was concocted
by one of your kin.
I hope that you like it
it’s specially for you,

I’ve sprinkled some glitter
on top of some glue.
I don’t like the bought ones
I thought you should know,
they’re too superficial
and two quid a throw
some of them.

~John Hegley

Yep, I could do this, no problem!  Well, after spending quite a bit of time trying to concoct a snarky and humorous poem (I even used the “mother” theme), this is the best I came up with.  Good God, it’s awful!  It’s like something Hunter Thompson would write if he were borderline retarded and tweaking on the last day of a four day meth binge.  After this debacle, I gained a greater respect for the artistry of John Hegley.

Planned Parenthood

I wonder if my mother
Ever thought I’d end up here
Living in the guther
And swilling lots of beer.

I’ll bet if she’d a notion
Of how I’d turn out to be
She would’ve drunk that potion
That gets rid of pregnancy.

If the potion didn’t work right
She could’ve used a hanger
Then trussed her legs up real tight
So my father couldn’t bang her

Ever again.

I do like the punny use of “guther” because it sounds kind of English.  Other than that, I only have one thing left to say:  Do not try this at home!




  1. ROFL!! Oh, dear, I think your poem was awesome. It made me laugh. His only made me smile.

    Since you’re so witty, where’s your responses to my questions I sent you? Hm? 😀

  2. This is pretty hilarious. I give you huge kudos for trying and think your poem is much more funny than mr. Hegley’s.

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