Posted by: chartroose | August 22, 2008

Dog Days of Summer Meme

I “borrowed” this from Andi at Tripping Toward Lucidity.  It looks like an entertaining and easy meme, so here goes:

My uncle once: fondled my sister.  Disgusting, huh?  His karma caught up with him, though.  Shortly after his fiftieth birthday, he fell off a cliff in the San Juan mountains while hiking and died of head injuries. 

Never in my life: have I gone for more than a week without reading a book.  I begin to suffer from withdrawl after about 24 hours.

When I was five: I was bullied on the first day of Kindergarten by an awful, ugly girl named Susan Wood.  Susan, if you’re out there, I hope you’re MISERABLE!

High school was: boring and redundant and insipid.  I liked swim team, though.

I will never forget: what?  I think I’ve already forgotten it.

Once I met: a really decent man, but it was only that one time.

There’s this girl I know: who is cheating on her husband.  She’s my best friend, and It’s really hard for me to withhold judgement and support her.

Once at a bar: I was punched in the face by an icky drunken man who was trying to pick me up.  I guess he didn’t appreciate the snarky comments I made about the size of his manhood. 

By noon, I’m usually: nearly comatose at my desk at work, or sneakily reading and responding to blogs. 

Last night: I was being a big baby, whining about my sore knee.  After my daughter barricaded herself in her bedroom so she wouldn’t have to listen to me anymore, I watched the Olympics and whimpered every once in awhile.

If I only had: a brain.

Next time I go to church: I’ll be sure to bring enough plastique to cause some serious damage.

What worries me most: is nothing.  I’m not much of a worrier.  Well, maybe these infernal knees!

You’ll know I’m lying when: you won’t know I’m lying, because I don’t normally lie, and I can’t stand people who do.

What I miss most about the 80’s is: John Hughes’ teen movies (Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, etc.)

If I were a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: Iago, because he’s such a diabolical villain.

A better name for me would be: Ogo (oh, great one).  Plus, it’s kind of like Iago!

I have a hard time understanding: Dubya’s vocabulary.

If I ever go back to school: shoot me. dead.

You know I like you if: I make snide comments about your appearance, intellect or personality.

Take my advice, never: throw lit firecrackers at your father’s head.

My ideal breakfast is: coffee.  Breakfast is for fat Republicans and babies.

If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: visit Focus on the Family and then visit New Life Church and decide which one you want to belong to and then buy yourself a minivan and a bunch of Jesus fish decals to stick to it and gain about 50 pounds and start wearing stretch pants and dye your hair a brassy blond color and slather on bright blue eyeshadow and begin praying for the poor sinners who haven’t been reborn in Christ’s image, amen.

Why won’t people: quit blabbering on their damn cell phones at the top of their lungs in public spaces?

The world could do without: literature snobs!

I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: be around screaming, ill-behaved children for more than five seconds. 

My favorite blondes are: myself and my daughters.  And Brad Pitt.  And golden retrievers.  And softdrink.

If I do anything well, it’s: to make practically everyone I meet think I’m the poo.  I don’t even have to try.  I’ve got oodles of charisma and I’m very charming!  I’m also very humble. 

And, by the way: I like you, I really like you!

If you’d like to do this, feel free.  Please link back so I can read your contributions.

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Responses

  1. I think I might steal this from you tomorrow!

  2. Knees. My bane. Too many sports related injuries. I’ve had three knee surgeries and only have two knees.

  3. I’m a sucker for a meme, I’m totally doing this.

  4. Come on – Brad Pitt’s got mousey hair!

  5. I don’t usually read through these things, but yours was pretty funny. What’s behind the firecracker throwing one?

  6. Hello?? I’m a blonde too. ;-D

    This may end up being my Friday afternoon work project.

  7. Jessica–I hope you do this meme, because then I can go to your blog and enjoy it!

    Don–I think you and I need bionic knees. I also need a bionic brain, especially lately.

    Kirsty–Can’t wait to read it!

    Stephen–Now, now, don’t get all huffy. You know that I greatly prefer ginger-haired men, and you’re my favorite redhead. Brad Pitt comes in a distant second to you, darling!

    Jeane–I was 14 and it was a stupid impulsive thing. A couple of friends and I were lighting black cats in my back yard a few days before the 4th of July. Dad had been in the garage and went walking past us to the house, and I threw one at his head. It bounced off and exploded right next to his right ear. He spun around and roared like Boris Karloff in “Frankenstein” (he looked like Frankenstein too). I got in some major big trouble, and Dad swears that he had tinnitus for a couple of months afterwards. Even now, he’ll occassionally mention it and glare at me. I have never been forgiven. He says I wanted to kill him!

    softdrink–Oops, sorry! You’ll be added to the “favorite blonde” list immediately.

  8. I knew I liked you from the minute I read your blog’s title. Now I know it for sure. Anyone who would rather be the diabolic villain is a friend for me!!! 🙂

  9. Hot damn, I think we’re from the same hometown.

  10. It’s so late at night that I can’t think of anything witty to say….so I like that “I wish I had a brain” answer! and the church one (I fall asleep in them. No matter what I’m there for. It’s awful. I’ve drooled, I’ve snored, my head has lagged, I’ve dropped things, but I can’t stay awake!), and the hometown one….this is my first visit here, and I love your blog and snarkiness! And I’m a good Susan, as opposed to your nightmare bully Susan in kindergarten….okay, I’m not so good, at work there are three of us Susans and I get to be the crazy one because I came late into the group. but I’m better than the bully one!!! and I must be evil because every time I read about your uncle falling off the cliff I start laughing! I’m sorry!! Great answers to a fun meme.


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