I “borrowed” this from Andi at Tripping Toward Lucidity. It looks like an entertaining and easy meme, so here goes:
My uncle once: fondled my sister. Disgusting, huh? His karma caught up with him, though. Shortly after his fiftieth birthday, he fell off a cliff in the San Juan mountains while hiking and died of head injuries.
Never in my life: have I gone for more than a week without reading a book. I begin to suffer from withdrawl after about 24 hours.
When I was five: I was bullied on the first day of Kindergarten by an awful, ugly girl named Susan Wood. Susan, if you’re out there, I hope you’re MISERABLE!
High school was: boring and redundant and insipid. I liked swim team, though.
I will never forget: what? I think I’ve already forgotten it.
Once I met: a really decent man, but it was only that one time.
There’s this girl I know: who is cheating on her husband. She’s my best friend, and It’s really hard for me to withhold judgement and support her.
Once at a bar: I was punched in the face by an icky drunken man who was trying to pick me up. I guess he didn’t appreciate the snarky comments I made about the size of his manhood.
By noon, I’m usually: nearly comatose at my desk at work, or sneakily reading and responding to blogs.
Last night: I was being a big baby, whining about my sore knee. After my daughter barricaded herself in her bedroom so she wouldn’t have to listen to me anymore, I watched the Olympics and whimpered every once in awhile.
If I only had: a brain.
Next time I go to church: I’ll be sure to bring enough plastique to cause some serious damage.
What worries me most: is nothing. I’m not much of a worrier. Well, maybe these infernal knees!
You’ll know I’m lying when: you won’t know I’m lying, because I don’t normally lie, and I can’t stand people who do.
What I miss most about the 80’s is: John Hughes’ teen movies (Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, etc.)
If I were a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: Iago, because he’s such a diabolical villain.
A better name for me would be: Ogo (oh, great one). Plus, it’s kind of like Iago!
I have a hard time understanding: Dubya’s vocabulary.
If I ever go back to school: shoot me. dead.
You know I like you if: I make snide comments about your appearance, intellect or personality.
Take my advice, never: throw lit firecrackers at your father’s head.
My ideal breakfast is: coffee. Breakfast is for fat Republicans and babies.
If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: visit Focus on the Family and then visit New Life Church and decide which one you want to belong to and then buy yourself a minivan and a bunch of Jesus fish decals to stick to it and gain about 50 pounds and start wearing stretch pants and dye your hair a brassy blond color and slather on bright blue eyeshadow and begin praying for the poor sinners who haven’t been reborn in Christ’s image, amen.
Why won’t people: quit blabbering on their damn cell phones at the top of their lungs in public spaces?
The world could do without: literature snobs!
I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: be around screaming, ill-behaved children for more than five seconds.
My favorite blondes are: myself and my daughters. And Brad Pitt. And golden retrievers. And softdrink.
If I do anything well, it’s: to make practically everyone I meet think I’m the poo. I don’t even have to try. I’ve got oodles of charisma and I’m very charming! I’m also very humble.
And, by the way: I like you, I really like you!
If you’d like to do this, feel free. Please link back so I can read your contributions.